Therapy for those with narcissistic parents – A clients testimonial

Online therapy for those with narcissistic parents

My name is Kerstin – I am an Instahelp psychologist and provide online counselling to adults on a range of topics and issues. One’s perception of oneself and how others perceive them, life within relationships, and dealing with intense emotions usually play a major role. Particularly when it comes to narcissism in relationships, those affected face a significant challenge. In this case study, I’d like to explain how counselling can help in such a situation. The following account is published with the client’s express permission. To protect their privacy, the client’s name and personal details have been anonymised.

One evening, I received the following message:

Dear Kerstin! I’m 18 years old and have just started studying communication sciences. I still live with my parents, which is proving increasingly difficult. They put so much pressure on me to do well at university, as only the very best is good enough for them. Sometimes I think they only accept me if I’m perfect. And even when I do succeed, my dad isn’t proud of me at all; instead, he brags about how important his contribution was. I really can’t take it anymore! We’re having arguments more and more often, but as soon as I stand up for myself, my dad gets absolutely livid. I’m withdrawing more and more. My mum isn’t much help either, as she always defers to him. I love my parents, but if this carries on, I’ll look for a flat share. Why is my dad like this? And why can’t I just stand up to him? Please help me! Best wishes, Leon.

In his first message, Leon describes a father who has very high expectations of his son. At the same time, he attributes successes not to his son, but to himself. He does not accept any opinion other than his own. Pressure to perform and perfectionism are the order of the day. The thought immediately sprang to my mind: “What a narcissist!” Of course, it’s impossible to judge that at all from this brief message. So I suggested an appointment with Leon to talk in person about his relationship with his parents.

How can you tell if your parents are narcissists?

Narcissistic parents often prioritise their own needs and expectations. As a result, children frequently feel under pressure to live up to their parents’ expectations. Typical characteristics include harsh criticism, high expectations of achievement, and a lack of consideration for the child’s feelings and boundaries.

Important: Individual behaviours do not automatically mean that a narcissistic personality disorder is present. This can only be diagnosed by qualified professionals.

During our first video call, Leon described his family situation to me. What he told me reinforced my suspicion that his father might display narcissistic tendencies. Particularly striking were:

• Overconfidence: According to Leon’s account, his father sees himself as the most important person in the family and appears to have a very high opinion of himself. He emphasises his own achievements whilst downplaying the successes of others.

• Need for admiration: Leon’s father is heavily dependent on the recognition of others. He loves being the centre of attention and being adored. If he is denied this adulation, he reacts aggressively and hurtfully.

• Lack of empathy: According to Leon, his father shows little consideration for other people’s feelings; this leads to frequent arguments within the family, which usually end with Leon or his mother leaving the room in tears.

• Manipulation and exploitation: He deliberately uses his charm and friendliness to get his own way. He is a master of manipulation and knows exactly how to use his social relationships to get the most out of them for himself.

• Envy and jealousy: He finds it difficult to acknowledge the successes of others and looks down on people who appear to be superior to him.

Is there a treatment for narcissism in the parent-child relationship?

In Leon’s case, therefore, the focus of this parent-child relationship is not at all on Leon’s wellbeing, but almost exclusively on how his father is doing and how he can always be seen in the best light. These signs strongly suggest a narcissistic personality, although, as a psychologist, it is of course impossible to make a diagnosis without ever having seen the person concerned. That is how I explained it to Leon:

From the way you describe your father, he has strong narcissistic traits. This can make the relationship very challenging. However, we won’t be able to change your father. So let’s work together to find a way for you to cope better with his behaviour in future.

Narcissistic parents: the consequences for children and adults

Anyone who grows up with controlling, disparaging or emotionally distant parents may feel the consequences well into adulthood.

During the counselling sessions, I initially wanted to understand how Leon’s father’s behaviour had affected his development. After several sessions, the following issues emerged, which may also be experienced by others in similar situations:

• Difficulties with needs and feelings: There was little room for Leon’s feelings and needs during his childhood. Today, he finds it difficult to recognise and express them.

• Loss of identity: In order to please his father and meet his expectations, Leon never recognised his own identity. Personal preferences, dreams or a fulfilling hobby were out of reach for him. As a result, he found it difficult to develop his own interests and life goals.

• Low self-esteem: Leon never feels good enough because he sets utterly unrealistic standards for his own achievements. He has adopted his father’s perfectionism and is unable to take pleasure in his own successes. He does not know what it feels like to be proud.

• Insecure relationships: Leon finds it difficult to maintain friendships and relationships because he lacks trust in other people. He is very conflict-averse and struggles to articulate his own needs. As a result, he feels misunderstood and restricted in relationships, which leads him to withdraw more and more.

• Emotional instability: As Leon has never learnt to accept and express his feelings, he is still unable to cope when he feels emotionally upset. He suppresses his emotions, which leads to psychosomatic symptoms that he experiences as stomach aches and tension.

These consequences are not inevitable and may also have other causes. Psychological counselling or psychotherapeutic treatment can help to identify distressing patterns, boost self-esteem and develop new coping strategies.

Therapy for depression, anxiety and issues with self-esteem

Growing up in the shadow of a narcissistic person can have serious consequences for mental health and lead to depression, anxiety disorders or issues with self-esteem. His father’s narcissistic behaviour has also left a deep mark on Leon. I knew that it would take a lengthy process to work through and address all these issues.

I worked through the following approaches with him:

1. Manifested beliefs

Whilst planning the counselling session, I told Leon honestly that, whilst it is not impossible, it can be challenging to overcome childhood conditioning. Patterns and beliefs that have become ingrained over many years cannot simply be erased in a matter of weeks. And yet I was able to reassure Leon that it is entirely possible to develop a strong sense of self and stand up to his father’s toxic behaviour without having to sever the relationship.

2. Therapy for those with narcissistic parents: self-care

Before we looked at the father’s specific behaviour and how Leon dealt with it, we examined the individual issues that had shaped him. Although it is certainly possible to treat a narcissistic person, the focus of my counselling was, of course, on promoting Leon’s well-being rather than changing his father. In the counselling sessions, we proceeded as follows:

3. Emotion regulation

Before I could show Leon various strategies for regulating and managing strong emotions, he had to learn how to get in touch with his feelings. To this end, at the start of each session we focused on the following questions:

1. What was the strongest feeling I’ve had over the last few days? What am I feeling right now?

2. Where in my body did I feel these emotions?

3. Why did these feelings arise?

4. What do I need right now?

5. What thoughts accompany this feeling?

6. What intensifies or eases this feeling?

7. What is this feeling trying to tell me? What positive aspects might there be in feeling this way?

4. Building self-esteem and identity

It is often the case that children of narcissistic parents lose sight of their own sense of self, as they strive to meet their mother’s or father’s expectations as best they can. Through exploring values, interests and life goals, we have worked in counselling to develop a stable self-image and identity. Recognising their own strengths and talents was a key element in building their self-esteem.

5. Promoting healthy relationships

The social environment plays an important role in the treatment of the consequences of narcissism. Healthy relationships can help to heal past wounds and develop a strong sense of self-worth. For Leon, it was very important to identify unhealthy relationship patterns during counselling. We achieved this by establishing a link between past childhood experiences and current behavioural patterns. Once Leon understood why he felt a certain way in some situations, we were able to identify these old beliefs and gradually replace them with new ones.

Therapy for narcissistic parents: How can I deal with narcissistic parents?

When dealing with narcissistic parents, it can help to set clear personal boundaries, respond to provocations as calmly as possible, and take your own needs seriously. A certain degree of emotional or physical distance may also be beneficial if the relationship is a constant source of stress.

It is important to remember that you do not have to change your parents’ behaviour in order to protect yourself. Psychological support can help you recognise harmful relationship patterns and find a way of dealing with them that is healthy for you in the long term.

The next step was to provide Leon with strategies to protect himself from his father’s toxic behaviour. The following techniques, amongst others, were used:

1. Reframing

Although it was difficult at first, we tried, through conversation, to work out what positive effects Leon’s father’s narcissistic behaviour might have had. And indeed, he realised that whilst much of it was hurtful, not everything was bad. He realised that his father’s behaviour stemmed, at least in part, from the fact that he had wanted a good future for Leon and had actually intended to achieve something positive. Unfortunately, his father went about it completely the wrong way in many respects.

It can be very therapeutic to view one’s childhood in this light, so as to be able to look back on the past with a sense of reconciliation. This was particularly important for Leon, as it was important to him to continue maintaining a good relationship with his father.

2. Setting clear boundaries

It sounds so simple, yet it can be so difficult. Particularly with manipulative parents, it can be very important to set clear boundaries and to articulate them. Narcissistic parents often view their children as extensions of themselves, which means that the children fail to recognise their own boundaries. A similar pattern was evident with Leon, which is why we worked on defining healthy boundaries. This might include a statement such as:

I need a break now and will be in touch later

3. The Grey Rock Method

Communication plays an important role in all relationships, particularly with narcissistic individuals. The Grey Rock method (also known as the Gray Rock method or the Grey Rock technique) describes a communication strategy in which you respond to provocations or manipulative statements as calmly, briefly and neutrally as possible. The aim is to avoid getting drawn into stressful arguments. Ideally, this will make the narcissistic individuals realise, either consciously or unconsciously, that their provocation is falling on deaf ears, and they will refrain from doing so in future.

To put this method into practice, I carried out the following visualisation exercise with Leon:

Imagine you are a large grey rock in the middle of the sea. The water laps at your edges; the waves bounce off you. You are solid, calm and unfazed by the immense masses of water around you – without moving even an inch, even the highest wave cannot harm you. Now recall something your father said that upset you, and formulate a calm, short and neutral sentence that you would have liked to say in reply. Pay close attention to the emotions that arise when you think of this scene, and say to yourself, ‘I am calm and neutral, like a grey rock. Nothing can unsettle me.’ Hold on to the image of the grey rock for a moment longer, then slowly return to the here and now.

Benefits of online therapy for those with narcissistic parents

The counselling sessions with Leon spanned several weeks, during which we worked intensively on how he dealt with his father’s problematic behaviour. After a while, we reflected on what he found particularly helpful during the counselling and which aspects had helped him make progress. He mentioned the following points to me:

• Gaining a different perspective on his childhood and not just looking back on that time in a negative light
• Building a stable yet distanced relationship with his father through healthy boundaries, in which he feels comfortable
• Being able to talk openly about how he feels and learning to cope with these feelings
• Being able to talk flexibly from home without having to attend therapy in person
• Realising that he doesn’t have to be perfect to be loved and that he is a valuable person even without having to prove himself

FAQs on narcissistic parents